Look It In The Eye

Transparency I believe is crucial in testimony. I have felt the shame and/or the bitterness that comes with it though. Sometimes just the thought can be uncomfortable. Thinking to myself; “There is no way I can be that vulnerable with transparency to share with someone else!” In turn; my devastation could be someone else’s discovery!

Discovery Time…

Struggling with always wearing my feelings on my sleeve at a very young age festered bitterness before I could even understand the root. Of course, bitterness is stemmed from unforgiveness. This isn’t going to be a How To on forgiveness. God is still working with me as well on it.

Through this, maybe we can learn how to forgive together.

Looking back on my life, I followed the rabbit hole of my resentment. Addiction seemed to be the brick wall at the end of the resentment trail. I have never abused drugs a day in my life but loving addicts broke me as if I was one.

Addiction seems to be a taboo subject. It is looked upon negatively classifying addicts as lowlifes but simultaneously glorified in our society especially through the music industry.

Now I am no therapist but there is something all addicts have in common. Their own rabbit hole of trauma; most of which can’t even pinpoint the root. In my opinion, trauma blocks any type of regulation of emotional control from the shock usually then creating a mental illness. Sending your mind and body straight into the natural response of fight or flight. Let’s look at the definition of trauma.

noun: trauma; plural noun: traumas

  1. 1.a deeply distressing or disturbing experience

We have seen the definition above but since we are talking about roots here; what is the origin of the word? The origin is Greek; literally meaning wound. (Reference Link – https://www.google.com/search?q=definitation+of+trama&rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS978US978&oq=&aqs=chrome.1.69i59i450l8.282233j1j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8)

Did you know that studies involving clinical or service-involved samples often report very high rates of childhood trauma, often 80% to 90%? That is more than majority of the population of adults walking around trapped as traumatize children emotionally wounded; then spewing out generational trauma. Hence, the saying Hurt People; Hurt People. (To read more about childhood trauma – see Reference Link – https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3983688/#:~:text=Studies%20involving%20clinical%20or%20service,often%2080%25%20to%2090%25. )

Earlier, we were using addiction as the example of introductory for trauma. Since the rates are 80% – 90% of childhood trauma, addicts are not the only ones suffering. This brings us back to the fight or flight response. Addiction is usually the result from the flight response.

Let’s look deeper into addiction, you can actually be addicted to idea of trying to save someone or even become addicted to control. How can you be addicted to control? Simply by trying to control all your surrounding due to fear of losing the control. Transparency here again, I have been there and still battle with it. Control freak, controlling, tyrant, bossy pants… call it what you want but ultimately it is fear. I have tried to control everything surrounding me in fear of being hurt by the unknown.

I truly believe that fear and anxiety is the devil’s main tactic with sin/spiritual warfare. What better way to steal, kill and destroy your joy right? (John 10:10). Fear steals your ability to think straight, it steals your ability to even rest. Anxiety makes you feel like you’re dying. Stress is the state of worry which is anxiety and fear; destroying you weather it be from situational events or the fear when it comes to your self-worth.

(NIV)Psalm 139:14 ( I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made) seems to be a popular, well known scripture. It is a beautiful reminder for your self-worth. There is the context further down in the chapter. Verse 15 says “My frame was not hidden from you”. God knew everything about you, he knew every decision you would make that would lead you to sin, he knew all of the warfare the enemy would send your way. He knows your anxieties and fears. In fact, fast forward more into the chapter, we see verses 23-24. (Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.)

I’ve struggled with anxiety and fear most of my life, still not 100% pinpointing what first triggered it, however I am learning how to deal with it everyday. This week the stress of life landed me in the hospital. With chest pains and pain shooting down my arm. Good new! It wasn’t a heart attack, sure enough felt like it though. It was stemming from Anxiety.

The bible says to “Fear Not” 365 times. That is a reminder for every day of the year. Sometimes a littler easier said then done.

As a child, I battled with severe nightmares, leaving me terrified most nights. Not going to lie, I had a night light (the hallway light) way into my teenage years. I vividly remember having one of those nightmares and my very faith filled aunt gave me the scripture 2 Timothy 1:7 (For God did not give me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind) to say whenever I felt scared. It says it right there! God is not the one who gives me the spirit of Fear, the enemy is!

Most people think that being a Christian means that all bad things will be rid of. Honestly its the opposite a great deal of the time. Let’s get something straight first, it’s not God doing these things to us. It’s the devil and it seems the harder you push into God, the harder the devil try’s to push you harder into sin.

You’re thinking, how can God watch us go through this or allow this to happen even with knowing what was going to happen?

God isn’t going to force himself on you. The devil will but God will not. That is why hatred, blame, anger, fear/anxiety and anything seems to be so loud; you have to make a choice what you’re going to listen to. (1 King 19: 12 – 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper).

Circling back to our natural response of the fight or flight mode. We addressed what flight looks like. But now it’s time to look fear and anxiety in the eye and fight! This doesn’t mean you won’t ever have fear and anxiety again but it means that through obedience and knowledge, God is with you working through the devastation creating a discovery!

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. – Joshua 1:9


#Fear #Blog #Anxiety #MentalHealth #SelfCare #God

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