During our annual Christmas Tree picking; my husband captured a few pictures of my daughter and I interacting. I picked her up whirling her around; finishing the playful embrace with an attempted kiss to my toddler with her caressing my face. Having no idea that my husband was taking these beautiful pictures, I am just beyond thankful that he did.
To many people, those pictures just may seem Facebook worthy. Looking at those pictures of my daughter and I brought so many things to mind; along with most definitely being Facebook worthy. The weekend before we had professional Christmas family photos done. Excited to see them; I couldn’t help but to cherish these in the moment snapshots.
With today’s era, we are blessed to have access to Facebook memories pop up through our social media. I personally love a good old fashion photo album (which we no doubt have in our home). Although, the images at my fingertips is convenient. With the holidays’ approaching, more and more Facebook memories are popping up. Comparing these pictures to the one my husband recently took; it makes me think of how the woman in the these memories from over the years is now someone that I used to know.
Thinking about how in those pictures resemble the growth I have achieved. The security I am learning to have in myself is rich. I may only be twenty-four but I can tell you that I wouldn’t even recognize the insecure eighteen, nineteen, twenty or the twenty-one year old version of myself if we were to time travel back into the past. Crazy how one little picture can make you recall being eighteen with a brand new car; no clue on how to manage credit or what life is going to bring. Or the nineteen year old suffering from miscarriages. Twenty year old me finally deciding to peruse a relationship with my now husband. But to think I’ve come so far from the twenty-one year old version of me that attempted suicide.
You’re probably thinking; well that took a turn. It did, but it’s true and plays a huge part in the woman I am currently.
****Please, if you are battling thoughts, please seek help. Please reach out to someone. I promise you, that you are not alone. We have provided the suicide hotline number – 1 (800) 273-8255 ****
Battling severe depression and anxiety since my early teens, I thought I had it under control ( I most definitely did not). Growing up I dreamed of having one of those white picket fence kind of families. You know, like the ones you see in the movies. Yeah, unrealistic but for some reason I still strive for it even today. With that being said when I endured my miscarriages, it seemed to take my depression to a even darker place. I truly believe that the miscarriages’ played a substantial role in ending that relationship.
At one point, I was drinking a lot. I mean a lot, a lot. That seems to be normal for a nineteen/twenty year old. But, my goal was to drink away my grief. I can look back on some of those Facebook memories of when I was living that lifestyle; I can see the numbness but pain all at the same time.
Fast forward two years. Pursuing a relationship with my now husband; still unable to get pregnant. Later learning during my attempt, my husband was battling addiction which explains that rocky season in our life. I was sick of grieving. I was sick of feeling empty. I was sick of a failing relationship. I was sick of financially drowning. To say that I was not okay, is a understatement.
God knew my heart’s desire and knew the suffering I was enduring. Soon after returning home; I found out I was pregnant within a few weeks. I received my miracle and part of my testimony. Finally being blessed with my hearts desires, and my husband working on the path of recovering. Things seemed to be getting better. They were. Although now throughout my pregnancy, I obsessed with how to raise my daughter and the type of woman I dreamed of her being.
Taking a long look in the mirror, realizing some of the traits I had, I wouldn’t want my daughter to have.
The mirror showed: Bitterness/ Unforgiveness, Anger, Unkind Words, A chip on my shoulder, Insecurity, Fear, Impatience, Rebellion. Just completely “rough around the edges” as I have been told a million times.
I didn’t want my daughter being “dynamite in a small package”. Heard that one at least a million and one times too.
It was time to change directions and become the woman I would hope my daughter would be. In fact, I would setting the standard how a woman should be. Now, I wasn’t this evil, awful person. I was just trapped in the dark. I wanted to be a light for Sophia instead.
Presently, I work tremendously hard everyday to show her kind words, to give her and myself words of affirmation. I am persistent everyday for patience and self control. I work towards forgiveness because there are things I want to be forgiven for too. Hoping; showing her that avoids her ever being eaten up with bitterness.
I am still far from perfect, where I would like to be as close as possible. However, I appreciate the woman I used to be. I have learned so much to be able to teach my daughter.
Thinking of that someone version of me that I used to be reminds me to pray for the guy that cut me off vs cussing, yelling and getting angry(There was temptation). I am thankful for the someone version of me to show me grace and how to show it.
Hopefully, ten or even twenty years from now; who I am today will be another someone version of myself.
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us -Romans 5:3-5